Its school holidays and I love school holidays because I get to spend the extra time with my beautiful Bear.
We go out for jaunts, meet friends we don’t have much time to see often during term time, and get to play, paint, craft, glue, cut, stick, colour in and really love our time together, we are very close.
And while I’m out having all this fun, at the same time, in my head, I am harassing myself for not doing enough to build my work life, finish Book 2 properly, finish typesetting book 1… actually put book 1 back onto Kindle, and then begin the dreaded marketing…
And although it being school holidays gives me a perfectly wonderful excuse to slip into the golden hollows of the nostalgia factory, the truth is I seem to have misplaced my self belief and I’m just procrastinating.
I know that when Bear returns to school next week, if I don’t sort out my head, I will end up staring back into the abyss that was glaring mockingly at me long before school broke up for Easter.
That’s the empty can I’m kicking around.
And as it rattles around, offering teasing glimpses at a single word written on its outside, I keep on kicking it.
Inner turmoil is frustrating because it reflects outward.
Last week I made the mistake of complaining to a friend, that I was tired from broken sleep, illness, long story, and the final straw for that day was my daughter had just hit me for putting my foot down… Well and truly fed up, my better half offered me a time-out, so I took to my sanctuary and instead of working on something that would yield a result targeted at my goals, I wrote to a friend.
My well-intentioned friend just launched into rescue mode, coming from her own perspective, which reflected upon my own frustration just didn’t come across very well and I reacted very bluntly.
Yes, my thinking right now is so crooked that it’s traveled to the centre of the Universe, back again, and is just about almost completed crawling up its own sphincter.
At one point in our email exchange I, the indignant Mama-Bear, said things that in hindsight I agreed were a tad harsh (not entirely, but there were bites). And instead of the friend I hoped might listen, sympathise, understand and share a part of her own life, the whole of the following day turned into one big frustrating passive aggressive exchange… one subtle criticism after the other, that had I not been mired in stagnant self-doubt probably would have swooshed off my duck back.
Since then we seem to have an unspoken time-out which I think is best because actually as a person and friend she’s awesome, I love her, she’s a wonderful human being with a heart of gold… and there’s no better healer than time.
“Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.” — Jean Cocteau
I know I’ve come far, I know there’s a way still to go. Tools like meditation, yoga and mindfulness help, along with creating, writing and building an inventory, but I HAVE TO get over this feeling of not wanting to market or advertise what I’ve invested so much time in creating.
The deep beliefs that I am not good enough, not worthy of success, have nothing that anyone would pay anything for, need to be uprooted, but they were planted in a place that is so very difficult to abandon.
I’ve reached this cliff face and although I have all the best climbing gear available I’m kicking around this can of self-belief and wondering if this is it, wondering if I am I ever going to leverage anything, whether I will ever make it to the top, or whether I’m stuck kicking this stupid can around for the rest of my life.
And then I notice the word written on the side, I pick it up and read it, rolling my eyes. It was there all along.