Ima Goot

Ima Goot!

“Wait Master… Do I really have to call you that when we’re alone? Let’s take a look at this rather handsome goat here… I must say the resemblance is striking…”

Wy think you virrah match!

“It’s as if he understands… Is that possible?”

Bit, I doo, I inderstand uvrytheeng! By theeway My lyk de look uv ur coot, real toasty — wid go gud wid clowber.

“Ooh, down Goat… No chewing – this is a Versace Angora… Here have a few of these…”

Pshaw! Doze pallets are drier dan Andy Sand Ant on Pototo Nicktar

“I don’t think he likes them….”

Genies! Now go tell doze hemans wot tried stucking dem tru myn teef!

“Be careful of that one Madam, he bites…”

“Do you bite? Oh look, he’s nodding… Oo’s a clever widdle goatie-woatie?”

Just trow dem pallets mine way, I’ll ett dem lader, dey go gud wid browned flowders.

“He’s got such soft floppy ears… you’re a real sweetie, aren’t you? You’ll do just nicely…”

I don’t mind your deckilit paws, but keep doze goat sausages hanging off your monkey’s away… baaahbaaah

“I don’t think he likes you much…”

“Yeah? Stupid animal, can barely think straight with those cubic eyes… I’ll meet you over there… Hurry”

If is he gittin u heman fud to share? I culd mebe underlook his goatfists den.

Hey laydee, cooom baaak…

“Bye goat, it’s time for me to go… I’ll see you at the barbecue next weekend…”

Where is de barbie queue, is dat where dem heman fuds be made, I ullus wanted to go wen dey hemans talk, how will I know what it is?

“Oh, don’t look at me like that with those big weird eyes…”

Who dem werd eyes you say, you wit dat big block head filling up my skies…

“I won’t eat you, I’m a vegetarian…”

Say wat? Ett me? You no ett me? And dere I tawted we had a friend… gimme your coot…

“Just joshing of course, you’re the guest of honour…”

I’d baaa delighted bud sounds ghastly, I’ma gedding outta here, slowly… widout a fuzz.

“You can’t escape…”

You inderstand uvrytheeng I be saying?

“Of course I can silly, I’m the Rani, I’ve been harvesting your brain fluid all this time… Muahahahaha”


“Madam please come away from the goat… he doesn’t look happy…”

“What? He started it…”

Ā© Nicki Ki, All Rights Reserved


    1. I almost didn’t post it… it’s a bit random, but I loved writing it, it made my husband double over in laughter when he read it – especially when he realised I’d put in the Rani … and I figured – well if it’s got one reader that loves it great … and now I see there are a few who do, so thank you šŸ™‚


  1. Reblogged this on Nicola Kirk and commented:

    Doctor Who is like a big puzzle and there’s nothing like it. Captain Kirk and I have had so many discussions about it over the years that it’s staple of our daily repertoire.

    One of the most hated characters in the classic era is the Rani… and it’s a standing joke that she invariably comes up every time there’s a clue and a female character with no answer in sight. In fact, there was a split second in “Dark Water” I was almost convinced Missy was going to say she was the Rani, before she admitted the truth…

    Cap’n reckons the Rani will never come back as a character – maybe he’s right… but I am quietly hoping she might — one day…

    I still like to think that in her off-time, she might have knocked about with the Master for a bit in the age old “enemy of my enemy is my friend” sort of way.

    I wrote this crazy dialogue last year… it started off just being about a goat picture I took, and then it wasn’t…

    My sense of humour is tickled by weird accents (or at least how they sound in my cranium, and so long as they’re not Jar-Jar Binks’ — which admittedly I thought was funny the first fifty million times) and this still makes me smile – and yes, it is very silly…


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